


Be (As You've Always Been)

by orphan_account



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Kingdom Hearts III Spoilers, M/M, Post-Kingdom Hearts Birth By Sleep, Post-Kingdom Hearts III, Pre-Kingdom Hearts I
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-23
Updated: 2019-03-30
Packaged: 2019-11-28 14:55:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18209825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Once, when they were Lea and Isa, they could tell what the other was thinking with nothing more than a glance, and that's why they worked so well together. Of course, it does make things difficult when you lose all perceptions of emotion and can't communicate the same way you used to.An exploration of Lea and Isa's relationship before, during, and after becoming Axel and Saix.





	1. Be Still, My Foolish Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (3/4/2019: Edited to fix continuity errors to align with the secret ending from Re:Coded)
> 
> I saw a tweet saying that one of main reasons why their relationship was so strained when they were Nobodies was because they're so used to being able to just sense each other's emotions, and getting their hearts ripped out inevitably took that away from them and that's why there's so much miscommunication. Based this fic around that idea, and built the rest around trying to make sense of Saix over the course of the series because the "I was jealous" really just changed EVERYTHING for me. 
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy! This is un-beta'd so go easy on me please!

It was all Lea’s idea. But like all of their teenage hijinks, the plans were all Isa’s. That was always how they worked: Lea provided the spark and Isa only lit the flame. Breaking into Ansem the Wise’s castle had been no different.

“This is your last warning: stay _out!_ ” thundered Dilan, the large guardsman, as he launched them across the mosaic floor of the plaza.

Of course, Isa’s plans weren’t _perfect_.

Isa filed their latest mistake into the back of his head as he stood and brushed himself off. Lea grumbled on the ground next to him, but Isa wasn’t listening. The wheels in Isa’s mind were already turning as he began to think of a better way to break in next time without getting caught.

“Isa!”

He startled, blinking at Lea, who stood in front of him -- much too close in Isa’s personal space, hands on his hips and pouting.

“What?”

“I _said_ that this is starting to get boring,” said Lea with an exaggerated sigh. “Face it: you’re not as good of a mastermind as you thought! Your plans aren’t working, buddy. We just keep getting kicked out and summer’s ending soon. Maybe we should find something else to do.” Lea thought for a moment, then snapped his fingers. “Wanna go prank Squall again?”

Isa shook his head. “We could be pulling something on _Ansem_ and you want to just pick on Squall? Talk about an amateur.”

“What can I say?” Lea rubbed the back of his neck. “Squall’s easy pickings. I just don’t know if we can pull this one off, Isa.”

“I don’t just want cheap laughs when we could be pulling one of the greatest pranks Radiant Garden’s ever seen.” He closed his eyes and rested his chin in his hand. “We just need a better plan.” He shook his head. “I bet I could make it past Dilan if you weren’t there being so loud all the time.”

Lea frowned then, his eyes widening slightly as his brows furrowed and creased his forehead. Isa immediately regretted it.

“What, you’re going to ditch me?” Lea said, puffing up his chest a little, but his eyes showed that he was actually hurt.

 _Never_ , Isa wanted to say, if only to rid that sadness from Lea’s face. Sadness never suited Lea.

“Nah,” Isa said instead, shrugging. “Don’t be stupid. This was all your idea in the first place anyway.”

“Good!” said Lea, brushing his thumb over his nose. “Wouldn’t be as fun if we weren’t in it together.”

Isa smiled then, big and wide. “Yeah.”

“Alright, then.” Lea shook his head, but the grin plastered across his face said he was more than willing. “You’re the one with the plans.”

“We’ll pull it off next time,” said Isa, smirking now.

“Okay, I believe you!” Lea laughed. “But first, let’s get some ice cream.”

And so they did. Isa paid for them this time since Lea did it last time. They ate their ice cream atop a secluded balcony in the gardens. From here, they could see the Radiant Garden in all its splendour.

Isa breathed in the warm summer air which contrasted with the cool popsicle in his hand. The cascading water from the fountain court nearby overlapped with the chatter and bustle of the people down below. Beside him, Lea licked at his ice cream, eyes focused on the evening sky and back slouched against the stone wall. Despite today’s failure and the nearing end of the summer holidays, Isa found himself smiling.

“Well, aren’t you in a good mood,” Lea said without even turning to look at Isa, a smile playing on his lips. “Thought you’d be more upset since your plan failed. Again.”

“I…” He stared at Lea, his shocking red hair so out-of-place in the idyllic pastel world they lived in. Yet, he fit so perfectly here, in Isa’s company. Isa wished he had a camera to capture this moment and keep it in his heart forever. But Lea didn’t need to know that. “You’ve got something on your face.”

“Wha --?” Lea quickly sat up straight and began wiping at his face.

Isa laughed, and when Lea realized that there was nothing on his face at all, he smacked Isa and threatened to push him over, but Isa only laughed harder. It didn’t take long for Lea to join in.

“You’re such a jerk, you know that?” Lea said, still laughing a little.

“Maybe,” said Isa. “But _you’re_ an idiot.”

“Ha! Yeah. That’s us. Just a jerk and an idiot. Guess we’re made for each other, huh?”

Isa bit the inside of his mouth to keep himself from grinning like a madman. If only he could contain the incessant butterflies in his stomach the same way.

“Just my luck to be stuck with you,” said Isa, rolling his eyes to feign annoyance.

But when he looked at Lea, he was beaming at him, green eyes twinkling in the light of the setting sun. Isa couldn’t help but give a small smile back before turning away again.

They sat there like that for a long while, not saying a word as they basked in the summer air, watching the bright light of day meld with the dark of night, painting the sky lilac.

“Hey, Isa?”

“What?”

Isa turned to face him again, and his breath hitched at how close Lea was. All he could think of was how warm Lea felt next to him and how, at this close, Isa could count the freckles scattered across Lea’s face. Lea’s smile was unbearably fond and his wide green eyes seemed to stare straight into his soul, making Isa feel all of a sudden, naked, under the sheer intensity of his gaze.

 _This is…_ Oh. His face was on fire the second he realized what was happening. His heart beat rapidly in his chest, threatening to jump out as his stomach twisted into knots. He sucked in a sharp breath as Lea inched closer and closer until Lea’s face was all he saw and --

Isa turned away. He blinked a dozen times, face still burning and pulse still thrumming in his ears no matter how hard he tried to focus on the last rays of sunlight peeking over the horizon.

A few minutes passed, his heartbeat gradually steadying. Then he realized how quiet it was without the loud beating of his stupid heart. A pang of panic rushed over him at Lea’s silence, his pulse quickening again as he spared a look in his best friend’s direction, scared to see the hurt look on his face.

But there was none. Only a smile that could well replace the light of the sun that had disappeared behind the horizon.

“Isa?” Lea said once more, his voice soft and so unlike Isa had ever heard Lea speak.

“Yes, Lea?” Isa said, speaking in only a whisper for fear of breaking the fragility of the moment.

Lea’s gaze was less intense now, but still containing the same soft fondness as he simply sat there, looking straight into Isa, not saying a word. And he didn’t need to.

Isa felt his face go hot again, but this time he smiled and inched closer until their shoulders were pressed close against each other. With a little hesitation, he leaned his head against Lea’s and felt Lea’s arm wrap around his shoulders. He then turned back to look at the moon as it began its ascent into the summer night, breathing a contented sigh. _For now_ , he thought, _this is enough_.

That night, when Isa lay in bed staring up at the glowing astronomy stickers scattered across his bedroom ceiling, he couldn’t stop the smile on his face. As the tendrils of sleep willed his eyes shut, he began to doze off, just as the nightly chorus of wailing began to echo through his ears.

 

* * *

 

Isa was right. Of course, he’d like to believe he was always right. He shoved that fact into Lea’s face.

“See, what did I tell you?” Isa whispered. “Told you I’d get us in next time.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Lea snickered. “You’re always right; I’ve got it memorized.”

The footfalls of heavy boots approached, accompanied by deep voices.

“Who knows what Xehanort’s up to this time?”

“We’ll know soon enough, though I’m sure it’s something to do with his favourite pet project…”

Isa nudged Lea and motioned him to follow into a slim, metal door that led into a narrow hallway. Lea trailed closely behind him through the dim passageway. Isa noted that unlike the rest of the castle, the walls and floor here were a stark white, and it was lacking decor of any kind. They continued on.

It led them to a spiral stairwell, narrow just as the hallway had been, only wide enough to fit one of them on each step. They walked the winding steps, descending deep into the bowels of the castle, the light growing dimmer as they ventured further.

Lea’s hand gripped his, startling him a bit, but he only squeezed it, grateful for Lea’s eternal warmth as the air grew colder.

They kept their hands clasped all the way down, where they reached a room devoid of any light. Isa blinked a few times to adjust to the darkness. He couldn’t make out anything of where they were, but from the air, he could tell this was a vast space.

“Hold on,” whispered Lea’s voice, close on his right. A flicker, then there was light. Lea held out his palm where a ball of flame hovered inches above his skin, casting light on the pitch-black room.

Isa gasped, and he felt Lea’s grip on his hand tighten.

“Isa, this… These are…”

“ _Cages_.”

Big enough to house humans. _The wailing_ , he remembered, and a shiver coursed through him. From the small flame in Lea’s hand, they couldn’t see clearly enough into any of them to tell if they were inhabited. He pulled Lea close until they were practically huddled together.

Lea shot him a wordless glance, and Isa knew all he needed. He nodded, squeezed Lea’s hand, and they continued forth.

A lump formed in his throat as they tiptoed passed the endless cages lining the walls. His heart raced, but as terrified as he felt, he knew Lea was probably even more so from the numerous glances Lea shot his way.

They had already walked deep into the dark chamber when Isa stopped in his tracks, causing Lea to almost trip.

“Do you feel that?” Isa whispered, voice barely audible even in the thick silence surrounding them.

“Yeah,” Lea mumbled, hand moving away from Isa’s only to clutch at his elbow instead. “Just up ahead.”

A sickness washed over Isa, overwhelming. His heart hammered in his chest as his skin prickled with gooseflesh and his fingers trembled. He urged his feet to run out of this terrible place as fast as they could, yet he could barely move. He tugged Lea’s arm and found Lea just as glued in his spot as he was.

“Lea,” he said between gritted teeth. “We have to get out of here.” He tugged on Lea’s arm again, pulling him towards where they came, but Lea wouldn’t budge.

“I --”

“ _Hello_?” a voice, small and faint, sliced through the thick atmosphere.

They stopped. Isa didn’t dare breathe. His eyes met with Lea, wide terror-filled eyes mirrors of each other.

“Hello?” came the voice again, and Isa knew it came from the darkness beyond. “Is anybody there?”

He took a staggering breath, shared one last look with Lea, and followed the voice like a moth to a flame.

There, amidst the darkness, a pale light shone, and they followed it to the very last cage in the chamber. The cage was lit by a single candle, and in the light’s shadow stood a girl.

Her frame was thin as if she’d not eaten a proper meal in years, and her eyes were wide as she watched them approach, gaze flickering between Isa and Lea, who only stared straight back. It was Lea that spoke first.

“Who are you?”

Her lip trembled, and she pressed her palms against the glass walls of her cage. “They… They call me Subject X.”

 

* * *

 

Isa frowned at Lea, who only continued to glare at him.

“How can you just sit there and do your homework when there’s a girl trapped in the castle where they’re doing who-knows-what to her?!”

Isa put down his pen gently, and Lea went on.

“I can’t even imagine what they’re doing to her. We need to get her out. We can’t just  --”

“She’s gone, Lea,” he said, the words coming out hushed instead of sharply as intended.

“They moved her,” said Lea, pacing across Isa’s bedroom, hands ruffling his hair. “That has to be it. She’s in there _somewhere_ , Isa. I know it. We have to do _something!_ ”

“What, Lea? What exactly do you want to do?” Isa sighed. “What else _can_ we do? We tried to save her, only to find her missing. It’s been _weeks_ and she’s _still_ missing.”

Lea levelled him with a hard, determined look, back straight as he crossed his arms. “She’s in there somewhere. We need to find her.”

“Find her?” Isa frowned. “How do you expect to do that?”

“I -- I don’t know!” Lea’s expression faltered, arms falling back to his sides. “You’re the one with the plans!”

“Right, because pulling pranks and solving a mystery is exactly the same. Because you say ‘hey, let’s do something,’ and that means I immediately have to do as you say and somehow make the impossible happen.”

Isa once thought to himself, that if Lea wanted the moon, then Isa would give it to him, even if it meant plucking every last star out of the sky to do it. But those were all the rhetorical musings of a lovesick teenager. What they were facing now was something very real: the threat to a person's life, and the consequences should they get caught and fail.

“Don’t _you_ want to save her?” Lea said, eyes big and shining.

Isa sighed, crossing his arms. Of course, he wanted to save her more than anything, and not only for Lea, either. They’d been in and out of the castle too many times now. As much as Isa tried not to get attached, the girl in the cage was his friend now. And he couldn’t just leave his friends... But she was missing now. How in the world would two teenagers possibly break someone out of a heavily guarded castle without even knowing where she was? All logic reasoned that it was impossible.

He looked at Lea to tell him this but saw Lea was doing his best to hold in tears now, blinking rapidly and refusing to meet Isa’s eyes. The tears rolled down his cheeks anyway, and just like that, Isa threw all logic out the window.

“Lea…” He moved closer, bringing his hands up to cup Lea’s face. Sadness really didn’t suit him at all. “Don’t… don’t cry. Here.”

Isa reached into his jacket pocket, fished out the pen he always kept there and began to draw the charms underneath each of Lea’s eyes. “Upside down tears to stop the flow,” Isa muttered as he finished and recapped the pen.

Lea sniffled and nodded, rubbing at his wet eyes.

“Look, Lea,” Isa said, resting his hands on Lea’s shoulders. “We’ll get her out, okay? We’ll think of something.”

“You mean _you’ll_ always think of something,” Lea laughed, though his voice was still thick from crying. “You always do.”

“I’ll try my best.”

Lea nodded.  “You can do it. _We_ can do it. And we will, _together_ \-- got it memorized?”

“Always.”

When Isa went home that day, he took out his pens and papers, and so began his plans. No matter what it took, they were going to find _her_.

 

* * *

 

Everything was going according to plan.

When they both finished high school, they had successfully apprenticed themselves to Ansem the Wise and gained almost-full access to the castle. Almost, because they still answered to their superiors, but Isa already had plans to change that.

Now, at 25, they were no longer the children they were when this had all began. It was almost ten years since they first infiltrated the castle. It had been many, many failed attempts before they’d even _found_ her, and then many more before they found her missing and resolved to uncover the truth.

The work to reach their goal was tiring though, for it entailed the actual work of a sage-ruler’s apprentice alongside their own searching.

Their duties differed, and the days were long, but they always managed to meet after all was done.

Alone, they stood side by side on one of the castle’s many spacious balconies, overlooking the sleeping city as the moon shone overhead. Their shoulders were pressed together, just as they had been when they were boys. Isa often thought of that time their faces were barely an inch apart, for the intensity of Lea’s gaze on him would be painted on the back of his eyelids forever. Since that time, they had never gotten that close again, but for now, Isa was content with what they had. There was no rush anyway.

“Isa?”

“Hm?”

“Next time, we should watch the sunrise. Getting kind of tired of looking at the moon.”

“The moon is the best of nature’s beauty,” Isa said, smiling.

“Your opinion doesn’t count. You’re too biased to make any objective statements about the moon.”

“I suppose.” He laughed. “Fine. Next time, we’ll watch the sunrise.”

Lea chuckled. “Hey, Isa?”

“What now, Lea?” He sighed and shook his head, but smiled despite himself.

But Lea didn’t respond. Isa turned to face him, and found that _same_ smile on Lea’s face, those intense green eyes looking right through him just as they did back then. And just like back then, Lea didn’t have to say a word for Isa to understand what those eyes were saying. Because even after all these years, he’d never stopped knowing how to read Lea’s heart like he could his own.

But when Lea moved to close the distance between them, Isa put his hand against his chest, effectively stopping him from going any further. Lea’s face fell for a brief moment, and Isa had to turn away. He kept his hand pressed against Lea’s chest, feeling the vibrant heartbeat.

“Lea, I…”

“It’s okay,” Lea said, closing his hand around the one Isa had on his chest. “We don’t… We don’t have to... if you’re not ready.”

Isa smiled, meeting Lea’s eyes again. “Thank you.” He hesitated, then cleared his throat. “It’s a weekend tomorrow. You don’t have any work, do you?”

“Nope,” Lea grinned, shifting back into his usual laidback self with ease. “And you?”

"No. Well, unless our Master has something up his sleeve that I’ve not been informed of.” He paused. “Since it seems we both have anything to wake up early for… Would you like to stay here and watch the sunrise, then?”

Lea beamed, and Isa thought that there was no real need to watch the sunrise when Lea’s smile could easily outshine it and bring the dawn to even the darkest of nights.

“Too bad we don’t have any ice cream while we’re here though, huh?”

“Oh. Hmm. It’s not ice cream but…” Isa reached into his satchel, discarded on the floor of the balcony when he’d first arrived here after finishing work. “I may have stolen some food from the pantry during my lunch break.”

They laughed, digging into whatever leftovers Isa had packed into his plastic container as they watched the moon and the stars shine above them.

 

* * *

 

“We shouldn’t have stayed up all night,” Isa grumbled, rushing through the halls, black cloak flapping in the air.

“Hey, it was your idea!” Lea called back behind his shoulder, who ran a little bit ahead.

“Yes, and it was a mistake.” Isa shook his head, remembering how happy he was at that moment. _No,_ how foolish. “We’re late. Master is going to kill us.”

“Oh come on,” Lea said as they finally reached the double doors of the elevator and ran in. “It’s not our fault. It’s a weekend, sheesh! Can’t they let us sleep in every now and then? They didn’t even tell us beforehand about anything. Suddenly Braig's barging into our rooms and giving us these cloaks to wear? What's going on?”

Isa shook his head, slamming the elevator buttons so it would hurry up. “We're expected to be on-call. Perhaps the Master discovered something urgent. A breakthrough in the experiments, perhaps?”

"Ansem stopped those a long time ago."

"Then perhaps he had a change of heart."

Lea rolled his eyes, but his incessantly tapping foot told Isa that he was more anxious than he tried to seem. “Oh, well. It can’t be that bad, right? What’s the worst they could do to us?”

“I --”

The elevator chimed as they reached the floor to the Heartless Manufactory. He raced out the second the doors opened.

“Whoa, Isa, wait up!”

“We’re terribly late and you wish to delay us further? Use those giraffe legs and hurry up.”

“Ugh, I’m coming!”

When they finally reached the Manufactory, Ansem the Wise was nowhere to be found. In fact, none of the apprentices were around either.

“What?” Isa breathed, chest heaving as he walked around the room. “Where is everyone?”

“Ugh, you’re telling me we had to wake up just for --”

“Ah,” said a deep, familiar voice.

The two of them turned and were met face-to-face with Ansem’s prized apprentice. The room’s temperature seemed to drop, the air stilling with an eerie chill.

“There you two are,” said Xehanort, looking down on them with those cold, yellow eyes of his, white hair framing his face. “You’re late.”

“Our deepest apologies,” Isa said quickly. “Where are the other apprentices, and the Wise Master?”

Xehanort glanced between the two of them, lips pursed, standing stiffer than ever. “Ansem is… no longer with us.”

Isa’s froze, mouth going dry. He was stricken in his spot, unable to move. He cast a glance at Lea, who looked just as in shock.

“The -- The Master… Ansem the Wise… He’s dead?” Isa said.

“I’m afraid he went mad. Absolutely rabid. I had no choice but to cast him away into darkness. Now, everyone is safe.”

Isa stared at him, meeting the iron gaze of Xehanort’s unnaturally yellow eyes, and a part of him only now began to wonder how such a typically bright and cheerful colour could become so frigid and terrifyingly empty.

“Where are the others?” snapped Lea, the sound of his voice grounded Isa back into reality.

Xehanort narrowed his eyes at Lea, moving closer. Isa wondered if Xehanort caught how Lea’s legs shook as the white-haired man towered over him.

“Be assured, they are safe,” said Xehanort.

“Then where are they?” Lea insisted.

“Come,” said Xehanort. “There is an experiment that I had assigned for them to work on.”

“ _You_ assigned?” Lea scoffed. “You’re our Master now? Who decided that?”

Isa shot Lea a look to shut him up. Something wasn’t right. They needed to be cautious about this. But Lea only responded with a hard look of his own, telling him that he wasn’t backing down.

“Since we are in the clear absence of a Master, now with Ansem the Wise being… unavailable, I had decided to step up and take his place. I assure you I will be a better Master than he ever was.”

Xehanort brought them to a large, circular device that stood taller than them, its edges glowing neon white and orange. Isa looked up at the mechanism, examining it closely. He didn’t even notice the Heartless crawling at the foot of it until Lea jumped and stretched his arm out to pushed Isa back.

“What the hell?” Lea yelled. “What are the Heartless doing out here _?_ Shouldn’t they be in the cages or something?”

“Be still,” said Xehanort. “They will not hurt you as long as I command them.”

“Command?” Lea said, voice low and green eyes narrowing up at their fellow apprentice.

“You can… control the Heartless?” Isa said, trying his best to keep his voice steady as he peered over Lea’s shoulder at the crawling creatures of darkness only a few feet in front of them.

“I am their master,” said Xehanort coolly.

“That’s it!” Lea said, hands balled into fists as he backed away from Xehanort. “What’s going on? Where are the other apprentices?”

“They are here.”

“What?” Isa said, his voice hushed as he stared at his terrifying superior.

“What do you mean they’re --” Lea cut himself off, and Isa saw how his arms trembled. “No...”

“Yes,” said Xehanort, glancing at the Heartless at the edge of the room. “They gave their hearts willingly to me for the sake of science.” He turned to face them again, yellow eyes piercing through them. “And thus, so will you.”

“No, it… it can’t be...” said Isa in barely a whisper.

“What?" Lea stilled for only a second before glowering at the man before them. "You’ve gone mad. I knew there was something off about you. Isa, you need to get --”

“Ah,” said Xehanort, tilting his head to look at them both, peering down his nose at them. The Heartless at the edge of the room began to twitch and writhe. “You two always were difficult. You two have been nothing but trouble since day one. How Ansem trusted you enough as his apprentices astounds me.”

“Isa, run out of here and --”

“I’m not leaving you,” Isa muttered.

“Oh, well,” Xehanort continued. “At least this saves me some trouble in getting Seven and Eight. That only leaves five more.” The Heartless crawled towards them, their yellow eyes glowing the same eerie shade as their master’s.

“What are you talking about?” Isa asked, voice hushed, unmoving behind Lea’s protective stance.

“ _Isa, you need to_ \--”

“I suppose I don’t _need_ you to be willing.” Xehanort raised his hand, dark mist forming a thick aura around him.

“No,” Isa mumbled. “This is…”

“ _ISA --_ ”

“As your flesh bears the sigil --” A blinding red beam of energy formed underneath his coat sleeve, hovering just slightly below his palm. “So your name shall be known as that…” He raised his glowing blade. “...Of a recusant.”

Xehanort aimed the blade at Lea’s face.

“ **_NO_ ** _!”_

Isa shoved Lea aside.

The last thing Isa saw was the blinding glow of a floating _X_ as it flew toward him. Then there was only darkness and the searing pain across the tender flesh of his face. His hands flailed, uselessly grabbing at the ground as he screamed until his throat was raw, absently noting wetness on his face. Perhaps blood, perhaps tears, or perhaps both.

Somewhere, muffled through the overwhelming stench of the blinding darkness, he heard Lea scream his name, over and over and over, and that hurt him more in a way that the surface pain didn’t. Over the screams -- both of his own and Lea’s -- another voice registered, like cool ice slicing through a hurricane, speaking only two words: “You’re next.”

Then, something foreign and sharp clawed into his chest, and the darkness grew, consuming him, drowning out all the screams, and even silencing the pain until there was nothing left at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, this is my first fanfiction in ages, so please go easy on me I'm just a widdle cweacher uwu 
> 
> Anyway, I've always had some feelings over these two ever since 358/2 Days and then seeing that they were friends in BBS... Then I played KH3 and, well, I'm obsessed with them now ??? The title is from Be by Hozier.


	2. Watch the Sunlight Fade

Waking felt like dreaming. Dreaming felt like nothing.

Who am I? Where am I? What am I? So many questions floated through his head, no clear train of thought at all, just a haze of questions melting together as he seemed to float in endless darkness. _Wait… no…_

He blinked slowly, and the dark mass began to take shape: tall black structures that shot up into a starless and moonless sky.

**_The moon’s not that pretty anyway._ **

_What? That voice…_ His head throbbed. He leaned back, feeling hard gravel, and squeezed his eyes shut in hopes the dull ache would subside. It didn’t. He opened his eyes again and stared at the sky that stretched above him, but there was no moon. There wasn’t anything to light up the darkness at all except for the scarce lights radiating from the buildings.

He lay like that, unblinking as he stared up into nothingness. What kind of city was this? Cities were usually… loud. Full of people. Right? He thinks he remembers a city like that.

 **_Are you really gonna stay here_ ** **all** **_day?_ **

The headache slammed into him with full force, so sharp he felt like the top of his head was being sliced off. He grabbed his face and groaned, too weak to even scream. When he brought his hand away, it came away red and wet.

“What is happening?” he croaked, blinking bleary eyes at the blood dripping off his hands.

He closed his eyes, and in the dark of his mind, he saw red hair and a flashing grin. _This face_ , he thought, _and this voice, I know it, but_ \--

“So I’ve found you.”

His eyes shot open. Golden eyes stared down at him.

His head pounded as he stared back up at the man; tall, of sturdy build, donned in a thick black cloak with long, white hair framing his face, and a small smirk on his lips. In the back of his mind, he felt a twinge of recognition in the face.

“You are lost,” said the white-haired man.

He opened his mouth, but found he had no voice.

“You know not who you are.”

He stared.

“You seek answers.”

“ _Yes_ ,” he finally said, the sound barely audible.

“I can give you them to you.”

He continued to stare up at the man who didn’t seem to blink, and found himself swirling in those golden eyes. He wondered if this man was an illusion; if all of this was just a dream. None of this felt real.

“I want to wake up from this dream,” he rasped.

“Ah, you think yourself dreaming, though I can assure you, you are awake. What you truly seek is not wakefulness, but to feel again.”

“To feel again?” he repeated the words slowly, not comprehending. “But I can feel.” He clutched his head, his hand already soaked now. “I feel pain.” But that was it, wasn’t it? That was all he felt. He could hear and look, but not listen or see, like viewing everything through a blurry lens, able to only make out vague impressions of things. All abstractions were lost on him. “But… I think I should feel… sad. Except I don’t. Why?”

“Ah, but that’s it. You cannot feel. Do you understand?”

He looked at his hand, blinking slowly at the pale skin smothered in glistening scarlet.

“I…”

“You are confused. But do not worry.”

He looked up at the white-haired man, whose lips twisted up at the corners.

“You said you wish to wake, but I can give you something better; I can give you purpose, so you may live, and I can give you your heart, so you may feel again.” The man smiled, though it didn’t reach his glowing eyes. “Do you accept my offer?”

He stared at the man’s hand, then shook it, blinking through the haze as the man’s yellow eyes twinkled, the sight sending a shiver down his spine.

“Stand,” said the man.

It took a moment for the command to register, and an even longer one to move past the pain and do as he was told. When he finally managed to balance himself on his wobbling legs, the white-haired man before him raised his hand, and he flinched on instinct.

The other man paid his reaction no mind, splaying his outstretched palm. Pale, glowing letters materialized in the air, three alphabets floating between him and stranger. With a flick of the man’s wrist, the letters spun and shuffled, rearranging themselves until the man motioned his hand again. An X appeared amongst the new arrangement of letters, altogether reading, _SAÏX_.

“This shall be your new name,” said the white-haired man. “And I bestow upon you the number Seven.”

“Saïx, number Seven” he muttered.

Yet, somewhere, in the back of his mind, he heard a familiar voice that only said, **_Isa_**.

 

* * *

 

The world was empty, drained of its life and vibrancy, and he thought that in another life, he would’ve found something poetic in being an empty being in an empty world.

Standing atop a floating chunk of ground, Saïx took in the sight of the crumbling city, mesmerized by the sight of the torrents of waterfalls travelling in reverse, flowing up into the sky and evaporating into the air. The sound of rushing water filled his ears, tugging at the back of his mind where the laughter of children echoed faintly.

Saïx glared at the broken world, trying to force himself to remember, but everything only returned in fragmented sensations: warm summers, gentle rains, soft soothing whispers in the dark, tender touches in the glow of sunset. But nothing concrete. The scar across his face singed. He doubled over, clutching his face as it burned and throbbed.

“Number Seven.”

“Lord Xemnas,” Saïx said, voice straining, not turning to face the source of the voice. It was strange, for Xemnas’ face tugged at something in his scattered memory, and yet his voice was so foreign.

“What are you doing here?” asked Xemnas, an edge to his deep voice. “Until you’ve been assigned a mission, you are to stay in the castle. Have I not been clear?”

“Apologies, my lord,” he said, though it was empty to even to his own ears.

“You remember this place, don’t you? This was your home.”

Saïx continued to watch the ruins of the hollow world crumble before him as darkness cloaked the castle in the distance.

“Do not worry, Seven. It’s merely your memories of this place keeping you here. You have no feelings. How could you, without a heart?”

On instinct, Saïx’s hand raised to touch his chest, only to feel nothing through the black cloak. He pressed harder. A second passed, then two, then three, and still he was only greeted with silence. He dropped his hand back to his side.

“Return to the castle, Seven. That is an order.”

With one long, last look up at the collapsing world, he turned his back on it and followed the Superior into a bubbling portal of darkness.

When they returned, the big barrel-chested man given the number Five was tasked to escort him back to his room. Saïx followed, eyes glazed, as he glided through the white pallid hallways.

“You are ordered to not leave this castle,” grunted Five with a glare that seemed strangely familiar.

Saïx just nodded and watched number Five stalk away from the halls. Just as Saïx was about to enter his room as commanded, he realized the door to the right of his was cracked open. _Strange_. Six’s room was to the left. _Whose…?_

He turned to see if Five was still spying on him somewhere in the hallway, but he was alone. His fingers twitched, and he stepped towards the open door. On closer inspection, the numeral VIII was engraved on the white door. _Eight_ … With a last look around the hallway, he pushed his hand against the door and peeked inside.

A split-second look at spiky red hair and his headaches returned with full force. He held out his hand to steady himself as he gawked at the man in the room, who sat on the edge of a stiff white bed, wearing the same black cloak as him and the others.

Words and laughter crashed against each other in his mind, all with that same voice he’d been hearing for the past week since waking, taunting him as he held his face in his hands. The man in front of him gaped at him with wide, glistening green eyes.

“Lea.”

He blinked and found himself wrapped tightly in Lea’s arms, as that same voice he’d been hearing in his head whispered in his ear, “Isa.”

And that was enough to open the already bursting floodgates of his memories. Lea, their childish antics and all the times giggling to themselves as they snuck around crystalline city streets, sneaking through castle walls out of mischief and finding themselves struck by the horrible truths within, growing up but never apart as they resolved to find their missing friend, and then…

Lea’s body began to shake, and it took a moment to realize he was crying. Saïx stood there, hands dangling at his sides as Lea held him and wept. Even as the body around him quivered with each sob, Saïx only stared into the middle distance. After a minute, he shifted his face to avoid Lea’s mess of red hair that poked against his cheek.

 _Lea should really brush his hair,_ he thought. He then felt Lea’s grip on him tighten, causing him to grunt. _Like a child gripping onto his favourite toy for comfort. Although Lea was always childish_ , he remembered. He looked around Lea’s room, finding it identical to his own. _Are all the rooms like this?_ He mused. _I wonder who’s in charge of decorating the castle._

The sound of sniffling brought him out of his thoughts. Slowly, the grip on him loosened as Lea peeled himself off of Saïx.

“Isa?” he hiccuped, teary eyes narrowing.

“What?”

“Your...” Lea held out his shaky hand, gingerly touching the bridge of Saïx’s nose. “Your face. The...”

Saïx blinked, his own hand coming up to touch the X-shaped scar between his eyes. “I am fine.” The scar pulsed, but he ignored it. “However, I am called Saïx now. Did they give you a new name as well?”

Lea frowned, something flashing on his face. “Yeah, I… I guess I’m called Axel now.”

“I see.” Saïx nodded. “Where did they find you?”

“In some dark city,” Lea -- no, Axel -- said, rubbing at his eyes. “I… was confused. I remembered only bits and pieces of what happened. I remembered you though. It’s weird. I felt so numb ever since I woke up, and then I saw you, and…” He shook his head. “I don’t know. Everything just came rushing back, you know?”

Saïx nodded, and Axel pulled away from Saïx’s personal space.

“They said I couldn’t feel,” Axel continued. “But look at me, I just bawled my eyes out. That’s weird, right?”

“It is strange,” said Saïx. “Perhaps I should inquire about it.”

Axel frowned. “You know what? Don’t. Nevermind.”

Saïx tilted his head to look at Axel, finding that despite the familiar face from his memories, the man before him seemed so foreign to him now. He wondered why that was. “Are you not curious? This entire situation is strange to fathom..”

“Yeah,” Axel said. “For me too.”

“I will inquire about it then.” He paused, trying but failing to read Axel’s stony expression. “I will not mention you. If that is your concern.”

“Right. Okay.”

Saïx nodded once before retreating from the room. His legs brought him to the Gray Area without much thought, where a few of the others were lounging around.

“Hey, whaddya know, number Seven!”

Saïx turned to see number Two, who they called Xigbar, waving at him with that typical grin of his. Saïx never fathomed how come Two smiled so much. Another question to ask the Superior, he supposed. Xigbar sauntered over to him when Saïx did not show any intention to move from where he stood.

“I heard you snuck off to go home!” Xigbar sneered. “What, wanted to run back to mommy and daddy?”

“...Mommy and daddy?” Saïx repeated, a pair of smiling faces flashing in his mind. The scar was burning again. “That was not…” He held his head. _When will the headaches end?_

“Too bad,” Xigbar continued. “But you’re stuck with us now. You make the deal and you’re stuck in this job for life! And without any sweet employee’s benefits either.” Xigbar tutted his lips.

 _Job?_  That’s right. Xemnas explained when he first joined the Organization that their goal was to collect hearts, eventually granting them back theirs. But Xemnas’ plan was still in the works, and for now, he’d only had a few members working on projects that he’d failed to tell the rest about. Saïx, being one of the newest formed members, had yet to be given any tasks. Another thing to inquire about to the Superior.

“Where is Lord Xemnas?” he asked.

“As if! Can’t tell you that, Seven, you’re not high up enough in the ranks to just barge in on the boss-man like you’re buddies. You see, you’re number Seven. And since we only have eight members now, that leaves you second-to-last in the chain, my friend.”

Saïx grunted. “Then who may I speak to if I have questions?”

“Hm, let me think.” Xigbar scratched his chin right next to where the jagged scar ran across his jaw. “Remember Even? Well, he’s Vexen now and he’s number Four. You’ll find him in his lab upstairs. He’d be glad to answer your questions!”

 

* * *

 

Vexen was not glad to answer his questions.

“I have no time to entertain the curiosities of a junior member,” Vexen complained, his back turned to Saïx as he typed frantically into his computer. “Don’t you see I’m busy? Leave! That’s a command from your superior.”

“I was told to meet with you by number Two.”

Vexen froze. He growled, then whirled around to face Saïx. “Curse that Xigbar. Fine. Out with it. What do you want?”

“We do not have hearts, thus inhibiting our ability to feel emotions. Is this correct?”

“Yes, yes. Did the Superior induct you or didn’t he? We’re Nobodies. Empty husks without hearts.”

“Then how is it possible for us to cry?”

“Have you ever heard of phantom pain?” Vexen waved a dismissive hand and turned back around to face his computer. “Residual semblances of what was once there. Think of it this way: it’s simply us remembering how it was like to feel.”

“Leftover reactions from our memories,” Saïx said for confirmation.

“Yes. Nothing more. Now, is that a--”

“Some of the members still smile.”

“A flexing of the facial muscles,” Vexen sighed. “You don’t need to feel true joy to do that.”

Saïx grunted, wondering why they would still bother to smile at all. “When will I be given my assignments?”

“How should I know?” Vexen groused. “Well, I suppose it’s good that you’re eager.”

“When does the Superior plan to enact his plan to retrieve our hearts?”

“Patience, Seven.” Vexen gave him a crooked smile. “You will be notified on any matter when the Superior deems it appropriate. Until then, await the next meeting.” He huffed. “Now, if there’s nothing else, please leave me to my work.”

He did. He went back to Lea -- no, Axel’s room, turning the knob open without bothering to knock.

“Axel.”

Axel startled from where he lounged on his bed. “Oh. Hey.” He cleared his throat. “Saïx.”

Saïx conveyed everything Vexen had told him, watching Axel’s unreadable expression. When he finished, Axel looked down at his hands.

“Oh,” was all Axel said. “So they’re just memories, huh?” He looked back up at Saïx, and his face twisted.

Saïx only watched as a single tear trickled down Axel’s face. “You’re crying. Again?”

“Sorry.” Axel wiped his face on his cloak sleeve. “I’m, uh, remembering a lot. As I said, I only remembered bits and pieces at first. But it’s all just… coming back now. Especially when…” Through wet eyelashes, he peered up at Saïx. “When I see you, I guess.”

Saïx regarded Axel’s face and found himself unable to look away. Axel’s face was always pleasant to look at. He hummed. “I recall I used to draw upside down tears on your cheeks to stop you from crying.”

Axel huffed, a semblance of a laugh. “Yeah, you did.”

“Maybe, I…” On the third day after he’d first been inducted into the Organization, Zexion had taught him some magic, a skill which he had never quite gotten the hang of in his old life. “Perhaps I can try something.”

He moved over to sit on the bed with Axel, then held out his gloved hand close to Axel’s face. He flicked his wrist, his mind willing for the magic to happen, and two purple upside-down tears painted themselves onto Axel’s cheeks; one under each eye.

“That should work,” said Saïx. “For real this time.”

Axel lightly touched the newly formed marks, mouth parted slightly. “Huh,” he said. “Since when could you do that?”

“I was told that being a Nobody has enhanced my affinity to magic. Magic is, after all, derived from one’s logic and wisdom. And without emotions, I suppose that’s all we have left.”

“Right, um, thanks,” Axel said, expression cold and empty. Perhaps that was what was so strange about looking at Axel, for despite sharing Lea’s face, he lacked all of Lea’s feisty zeal, even his green eyes pale in comparison to Lea’s.

Saïx nodded. “I also inquired about a few other things. It seems they aren’t letting us in on the plans any time soon.”

“Huh,” said Axel, “So now what?”

“We have lost our hearts, and supposedly, our Superior’s plans will get us our hearts back. Do you remember how we lost our hearts in the first place?”

“Yeah,” Axel muttered. “He took it from us.”

“And only because we were at the wrong place at the wrong time.”

“You don’t trust him.” Axel snorted. “Though, why should we with everything he did?”

“Have we ever trusted him in the first place? Did we ever even really trust Ansem? The only reason we apprenticed ourselves to Ansem the Wise was to achieve our own agenda.”

“To find her.”

“And after everything, we’ve still yet to achieve that.”

Axel finally met his eyes. “When we still had our hearts, we promised we’d do anything to find her.”

“We did. And maybe now, we have a better chance. We gave our hearts to this cause. He has no reason to distrust us.”

“You still want to do this?” Axel raised his eyebrows. Then, with a low voice, “You think we can?”

“If not this, then what? Succumb to Xemnas’ whims, his true agenda yet to be clear? Besides, what do we have to lose now? We’ve lost everything. All we have now is to gain.”

“Yeah… You’re right.” Axel nodded. “Let’s do this. We’ll do it this time.”

“Together,” said Saïx, recalling their promise all those years ago.

“Good to know you’ve got it memorized,” Axel said with a dry chuckle.

When Saïx returned to his room that night, he took out his pens and papers, and so began his plans. They’ve come this far. No going back. So he stayed up the entire night, paying no mind to his body’s exhaustion, only determined to fulfil the promise that Lea and Isa had made.

As he wrote frantically in his journals of his plans, a part of him wondered why even bother at all. After all, he had no heart to still feel for a girl he’d known only through stolen moments in the shadows of a prison. All he had left was a throbbing hollow in his chest and the memory that there’d once been something there.

But maybe that was why he was doing this. Maybe it was a selfish commitment to the man he once was; Isa had wanted more than anything to find her again, to play the hero and save the girl. Even though Isa never got to fulfil that wish, Saïx still stood, and he was going to succeed where Isa had failed. And maybe, if he dared hope, he’d even get his heart back and rid himself of this overwhelming emptiness plaguing him.

It was much later when his eyes finally grew too heavy to continue staring down at his own writing. As he retired to bed and stared up at a blank white ceiling, he recalled how he had watched the man Isa had once adored, crying right in front of him; and Saïx had felt absolutely nothing.

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed, please leave a kudos and comment!


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